And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
our cab driver is having phone sex.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
