I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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