I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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