seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize