Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
