i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
