I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
