apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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