So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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