my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
