Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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