did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
