I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
