I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
