I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I need water and some morals
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
