Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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