Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
