my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
