Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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