Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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