I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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