well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
