You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
