Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
