I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
