He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
