There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
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There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
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Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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