Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
