i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
