I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
