You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
