he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
