you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
