FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
