Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
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Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
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He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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