im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
