Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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