i just had sex bonerless
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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