dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
