We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
