Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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