this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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