I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
