well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
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His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
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No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch