i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
please come you make the beer taste better
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
my poor anus
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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