I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
