Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
