my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
