i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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