I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
