She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
