I'm jealous of your bromance
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
