How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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