tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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