I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Who did Billy Mays play for?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
