Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
