What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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