there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
And then my night got REAL pukey
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
