I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
