you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
